This is what a normal human has inside their skull:
This is what Ash has inside her skull:
No lie. The hamsters. The GoshDarn Hamsters. They spin and they spin and they spin and they never get anywhere. And for some reason, the wheels that they run on inside my head are never properly oiled so they make the most annoying, incessant squeaking. You can hear them now too, can't you? It's ridiculous.
Yesterday on my pititful (but FAST!) 4 mile run, the hamsters were running much better than I was. They were on a roll. The thoughts were flying around at about a million miles per hour. I couldn't make the damn hamsters take a water break. They get going when I get stressed out. Usually it's about Billy, but sometimes it's about other things like work/grad school/what we're going to do with our lives/where we're moving next/etc.etc.etc. You may notice that a lot of those things are COMPLETELY out of my control. That's when the hamsters kick it into high gear. If I can just think in circles enough, somehow all my worrying will pay off and whatever it is that is causing the worry will be resolved. Funnily enough, running the hamsters to death in my noggin have never yet solved any of my problems.
So, this is what was going 'round&round in my mind yesterday as I was going round&round the track on Camp Smith:
You absolutely must must MUST weigh no more than 135 when you weigh in on Sunday. That's the "Billy's been gone 3 months mark" and if you can't lose 10 lbs in 3 months then you are a sad, sad excuse for a woman. And another thing, what the heck is this business going on with you right now? So, you ran 13 miles on Sunday so you think you can slack off all week? No way, sister. You now officially have less than 4 months til this marathon and your mileage this week is pathetic! PA-THE-TIC!! Plus, you skipped your track workout!!! You're never going to run faster than 3:45 if you keep skipping track workouts. Also, you need to run your 15K faster than 1:15 this weekend. If you don't, you are slow and will still be pathetic. Run more! Oh, what's that you say? You're hungry and fatigued because your stupid 250 cal lean cuisine lunch isn't hacking it? Well, you should have eaten more. You know this. But you can't eat more, because you HAVE to be 135 by this weekend. But if you don't have energy you can't run and burn more calories....did I mention that you're walking now? Stop walking! Run, dummy! You are now officially in a running funk. Uh-oh. This isn't good. But you're only in a funk if you think you are, so stop thinking you are. But you really ARE, so you can't stop thinking it because it's true.
Do you see how this can get exhausting?! Every night when you say your prayers thank the good Lord that he gave you a normal brain and not some hamster running on a wheel between your ears. When the dumb hamsters get going, it's hard to get them to stop. I lamented to my mother. She said my body is still recovery from Sunday. I called shenanigans because I needed my two hardest workouts this week to be yesterday (epic fail) and today (remains to be seen) so that I can taper down Friday & Saturday before my race on Sunday but if I can't even run the 6 miles I wanted to yesterday how on earth am I going to run 9.something on Sunday?! And what do you plan on eating for dinner tonight? It better not be pasta again, you need some lean protein in your life. Did you take your vitamins this morning...? GAH!!!! and it started all over again.
Fit
And yet, despite my funk, the hamsters, my body rejecting the idea of any physical activity EVER again...I had an epiphany a few days ago. I don't remember what I was doing, but the thought popped into my head (right in between the hamster wheels) that I finally feel fit. Now, I don't know the exact definition of "fitness" or what it means to be physically fit. I'm pretty sure it's just one of those things that you either are, or you aren't and either way, you know it. Maybe it came from running 13 miles. Maybe it came from feeling thinner. I don't know. But I do know that for the first time in a long, long time, I feel like I am "fit". Whatever that means. Small victories.
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