A Weighty Issue (I love a good pun)

To Begin With...
Hello there - welcome to Friday! The best of all days is upon us!!

Forgive me for being so absent. It's been a busy month with friends visiting, grad school starting (3 classes AGAIN this semester - I'm a jerk to myself), and other hullabaloo and I'm afraid that when my little life becomes oversaturated with tasks and demands, my fun little side projects are the first to fall off. I've been writing this post in my head for some time now, though. There is an internal game of ping-pong that goes on in my noggin on a daily basis and I figured I'd share it with you.

How It Began
A month or so ago (maybe more, I don't remember) I decided that losing weight this year was not nearly as easy as it was last year with Billy on deployment. This should come as no shock to anyone. When he's home, there's more dining out, ordering in, and for that matter more cooking (he frowns on popcorn and wine for dinner for some reason). It's also harder to make time to run, even during this whole training situation. Running around 2 schedules is trickier than just worrying abuot me, you understand. Whatever. So I went to the gym and got a personal trainer. During my "in" assessment, she pretty much looked at me and was like "why are you here?" to which I said "I want to lose 15-20 lbs and not have so much jiggle". She went through the assessment and showed me the print out (I can't find my copy - I'll scan it in when I can find it) and told me that I was silly. I was pretty much maxed out on cardiovascular wellness, heart rate lowness, bicep strength, body fat percentage (17%, for the record - that's really good) etc. She looked at me and said "People come to me to get to be like you. But if you want, you can come once a week".

And so I did. For about 4 weeks. During those sessions when she was having me row on that silly row machine or do circuit training or whatever it was, she'd always say "I've never seen anyone do this good this consistently" or "You're the first person I've trained here that finishes a workout stronger than they start". You'd think this would make me stoked - but it didn't. I stopped going because I didn't really think it was doing much for me that I couldn't do myself.

Besides, I wasn't going to a trainer for affirmation, I wanted to LOSE WEIGHT and it wasn't (isn't) happening!! I didn't need her to tell me how much I didn't need to be there - I needed her to tell me what a chunk I was so that I'd run faster/push harder/go longer.

The Conundrum
And all of that leads me to this problem: The reason (I think, anyway) that I can't lose weight is that one half of my brain is like that trainer lady telling me that I don't need to, and so I don't.

I know how to lose weight. I spent 6 months last year chronicalling my desire to dominate the scale and get thinner and solid-er before Billy came back from deployment. If calories in < calories out, weight loss will occur. Create a 500 calorie deficit every day, and you'll lose 1 lb a week. It's simple math. I get it. I've been doing this for a loooooonnnnngggg time.

Where I go astray is when the other side of my brain pipes up. The one that says, "Ash, you are fine the way you are. Other chicks would kill to look like you. You are healthy and you don't count calories and you drink wine and eat carbs and people like you for that. So go ahead, have another slice of pizza and sleep through your alarm when it wakes you up to run tomorrow!" All of that sounds well and good, right? Sounds like a normal, healthy frame of mind. But when I put on jeans that I bought last year that used to be "fat day" jeans and now even they are too tight, or I want to cry when I see pictures of me in a bathing suit and I really WANT to lose 15 lbs again, it doesn't help.

In Conclusion
Please, please, PLEASE don't think this is one of those "oh, I'm so unahppy with myself, everyone please write a lot of comments about how great I look so I can get some kind of validation" posts. That's NOT what I intended this to be, and I hope it didn't come across that way. What I'm trying to convey is this weird flip-flopping that goes on in my head DAILY (I can see Billy's eyes rolling right now and he's saying "Man, I'm glad I'm not a girl.")

Side one: I want to lose weight and be uber fit and healthy and motivated.

Side two: I don't want to worry about having a second brownie because I do alright for myself as it is.

I can't be the only woman (or person, for that matter - no need to rule out man imagee issues) that goes through this, can I? It is indeed a conundrum.